And so it begins...
I have apparently gotten to a size where people do not understand why I am working on my weight. I suppose if I stop and think about it, I remember where that place is. I remember my friends complaining about their weight and thinking to myself that they were already small enough. Possibly too small. Having come this far in my journey, I can admit that it was just jealousy speaking. Those people were much smaller then I was and at what I thought was at a size out of my reach. I justified my own size that way. Of course I did not know it back then. How could I? Denial! Denial! Denial!
This afternoon, a patient that I am very familiar with came into my office. I had not seen her in a few months, but she had followed my progress this last year and was very encouraging. At her last visit, we were approximately the same size. Today when she came in, I got a glance up and down. I knew the glance. A comment about my progress was coming. It seems to happen so frequently now and I still love it. The difference with her comment was that it was not one of encouragement, it was one coming from a much uglier place. She asked me if I was still dieting. Taking cue from my long winded response, she continued. That one sentence changed everything. She said, "Don't you think that you should be done now?". I was stunned. I did not expect her to say anything of the sort. Being someone that had obviously struggled with her weight, I would have thought she would have been more sensitive with voicing her opinions. Besides, it is more then just about my size. It is about health, fitness, my knees, my lifestyle. The list goes on and on. Those are not things that she could possibly gauge by looking across my desk.
I have not lost many pounds recently but my pants size is still slowly shrinking. I am in a comfortable size 10 nearing an 8. God bless the polyblend clothing movement! Admittedly, I have not yet made peace with my current size. I shied away from full length mirrors and photos for so very long. I never voluntarily put my body out there for the world to see because I was ashamed. The problem with hiding from the world is that you also hide from yourself too. Sure, I have taken tons of progress photos but they are not next to anything for me to compare myself with. Without having that point of reference, I can not really see where I was and where I am currently. I do know that I need to start doing that. That is my homework for the next few weeks, taking more photos. I am working with a therapist on my self image because I want to head off any further disordered eating or missteps in my journey. Being honest with myself, I was able to see that there may be a curve in the road a head. That patients question had me actually consider the possibility that I was going "too far" with my weight loss. I had told Brent about the situation and he immediately reminded me that this was her issue and not mine. She is not qualified in any means to make judgement on me. That is between me, my mirror and my trusty entourage of medical professionals. (General, mental health & physical therapy) Not one other person in the world.
This takes my journey down a whole new road. I was just getting used to all of the positive comments on my physical changes, now I have to get used to this too? Uhhhh!!!!
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