Get Real

I wanted to share something with you that up until today, only 2 or 3 people in the whole entire world ever knew. It is a crucial piece of this whole puzzle and at this point, I think I owe it to you to get real and put it all out there. To be completely honest, it is something that I want to get off of my chest.  Uhh.. Okay.. so my therapist says I should get off of my chest. Bet you all didn't know I talk about my loyal "fans" in therapy?  haha

Before I started this blog, my one true focus was losing weight.  I did not care how I did it, I just knew I needed to do it.   I had tried several diets and weight loss pills and some worked for a short period of time, others didn't.  I found comfort in blaming the method instead of blaming myself. I found that there was a real difference in getting in shape and slimming down because society tells me I should and doing it for myself.  Up until that point, I spent my 20's yo-yo dieting because of how I thought others looked at me physically.  I had not really felt the need to do it for myself yet.   During the time period of my divorce, something in me had shifted.  I no longer cared what others thought of me, I cared about ME.  My future.  Once I had that shift in mindset, I had scrapped all of the other weight loss methods and diets that I had ever done and started doing it the right way.  Eat less (crap), move more. You have read all the tidbits in between so there is no real sense in me boring you with them again.  Aside from the bits of help from my friend Kelly, I did it on my own.  I put together all the little bits of info that I had absorbed from every magazine, Dr. Oz Show, Weight Watchers meeting and read online, and devised a plan.  It was a very slow process but it was working.  I had managed to lose about 40lbs in a year.

In December of last year, my family suffered a tragedy that shook us and changed us all forever.  My Uncle Patrick, fell injuring his spine leaving him paralyzed from the chest down.  He spent over a month in Shock Trauma and continued his in-patient rehabilitation at Kernan.  While my mom and Aunt spent countless hours at his bedside, I took on the responsibility of caring for their two children.  They are indeed two of the most amazing kids that I have ever known.  The 3 or 4 months that I spent at a "fill-in mom" for them has changed me forever. Before, I complained about getting up for work at 8a.m. and had zero time in the morning for anything else.  In a flash, my life had changed and I was up at 6:45, dressed, ready for work and waking up 2 beautiful children to get them on the bus before I went to work myself.  Now, that may seem like a breeze to us non-parents but yea, I was wrong.  It was a marathon every single morning but I pulled it off and didn't think twice.  The times I shared with them were so incredibly rewarding and I doubt that any of us will ever forget not only the bad times but all of the good times we had together.  I still see them regularly but I am happy to say that my Uncle is home and although still paralyzed, the family is settling in very well to the new sense of normal.

During this time period, the children came first.  No exceptions.  Those were not demands from my Aunt, they were the demands of a big cousin protecting her little cousins. I was actually showering from the gym the night that I got the phone call about the accident.  Since that day, my routine was turned upside down.  I was eating pizza, fruit loops, mac and cheese, doritos and all the yummy stuff you find in the pantry of a home with children.  (Mom's, I don't know how you manage to do it all and still stay fit.)  The first few days I did not even think twice.  My body was running on auto pilot and I couldn't even begin to actually pay attention to myself.  I was lucky that I wore clean underwear every day.  So were the kids for that matter.   Very shortly, I noticed that my work pants were not as loose as they were a few weeks ago.  I started to panic.  I had worked so so hard for what?  To lose all momentum and go backwards?   I didn't have time for the gym, I didn't have time to shop and cook separately for myself.  Very possibly I was finding comfort in the food I was eating as well.   All I know is that I started to put weight back on. I felt as if my hands were tied.  I did not know how to move forward.  One night, I had been eating so terribly that I started to have what I thought was a panic attack.  I had become obsessed with my weight but I couldn't control what I was putting in my mouth.  I did not know how to combat that except for to purge it all. I went all the way into the basement and closed the doors so that no one could hear me.  I vomited until there was nothing left.  I watched every artificial color from what I had binged come up.  Afterwards, I felt a sense of relief.  My sense of panic has subsided and I may not have lost weight that day but I felt like I had at least broken even.  That I could deal with.  Unfortunately, the next day, I found that the easy answer was again to make myself throw it all up.  I spent a lot of time running around and playing with the kids so that activity combined with the purging shortly began to "pay off".  My pants were fitting again.  Within just a few weeks, I started getting compliments again on the weight that I was losing and it only encouraged me further.  The purging that had become a daily ritual was starting to be one that I was doing after every meal that I considered less then perfect.  Within 2 months, I started to get a terrible sensitivity in my teeth and went to my dentist. I knew that the acid was wearing away my enamel but I couldn't tell her that.  I led her to the conclusion that the Granny Smith Apple I was eating every day was too acidic. (true-ish).  It was then that I knew that I was out of control.

At the same time that I was recognizing that I had a problem, things were starting to settle with my family. The time that I needed to be with the children had slowly narrowed down.  The week my Uncle Pat came home,  I started back into the gym wondering where to start.  I looked into a local "meeting" at the hospital and started to consider going to see my trusty therapist.  Although I had not committed to either of those decisions, I still hit the gym.  I had cut back on the purging because my meals were a bit more in control but I still had not stopped completely.  I was craving all of those yummy/terrible foods still. It was as struggle for sure but I was trying as hard as I knew how.

 It was that week that I met Xavy.  After a brief conversation of niceties. (Okay, so I was flirting)  He offered to help get me back on track.  I think he felt sorry for me because to this day he still makes fun of the workouts I was doing on my own. haha.  With a meal plan, a trainer, a schedule and a new friend, I started the next chapter in my life.  Not once since that day have I gone back to that "solution".  Within the next few weeks, I start seeing my therapist and I started this blog.   Again, my life has changed for ever.  For the better.

The rest, as they say is history.  This is the right and only way I will ever attempt to reach my goals for now on. There is no diet pill or magic solution. I may have struggled but I am earning every inch of this journey with "Eating Clean and Training Dirty".  (That's Xavy's line. hah)

I hope that this helps you on your hardest days to know that you are not alone. That support is there and that life sometimes throws us a curve ball but that doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel.

Now I need a hug! lol