again/because

For some of my older clients/followers, this blog entry might feel like a blast from the past.  I think that is sorta the point that I am trying to make to myself.  Back to basics.  I created this blog about 2 years ago as I started my journey to weight loss and getting fit.   It was a place that I could journal the good, the bad and the ugly of this whole process.   I could air my dirty laundry and show off my goodies as I saw fit.  So much had changed in that first year.  I had so many revelations and little wins that I wanted to share and keep at a click of a button.  As time passed, I noticed something.  As odd as it was, little ole me was inspiring others.  I had a following.  Weird.   At a certain point, it seemed natural that the blog take the shape of something new.   A Facebook Group?!?   I sort of stopped the daily heart to hearts with myself when I created the group.  It’s is not that I didn’t have anything to share, but sharing so conveniently sort of took the “stop and think” part out of the process.  There were a few blog entries here and there, but overall I sort of put it behind me.   Maybe it is time that I give it another shot.  I have a lot to say, and maybe a 3 sentence post on Facebook isn’t enough to get it all off my chest all of the time.  So here we are.

I have learned that any good plan is only as good as its plan B and plan C.   I had amazing success with working out with a personal trainer when I first started.  I sort of graduated from that at one point and started training along side of some of my local idols/peers.  I learned so much and really had some crazy good results.  As they came and went, I was left sort of alone.  I spent hundreds of hours in the gym working out but not as efficiently as I once did.  My passion needed to be fed.  From there, I started to personal train my own clients.  That kept me accountable when I didn't have some muscle bound hottie breathing down my neck.   Well, it did for a while.  Some time last year, I hit a plateau with my weight loss and fitness.  I joined the Fire Department and allowed that to take priority in my life for a while.  Perhaps it was exactly what I needed.  It was sort of like searching for something in your house and just deciding to stop looking and try again with fresh eyes tomorrow.  You just see it all from a different perspective.  In February of this year, I had graduated/passed my Firefighter 1 exam and Rescue Tech just as I had planned.  March and much of April, I found myself treading water.  

*Que Plan B*

So back to basics...    

• Start blogging again: Check! 
• Find myself some time in my own life to focus on my schedule:  Check!   This is probably half the battle right here.  I became incapable of using the word, "No".  I agreed to help everyone with everything anytime of day.  Today, with the help of Google Calendar, a very understanding boyfriend and a therapist...  I have actually worked out how to block out time in my own schedule.   It did help that I seemed to have all my clients go on vacation, honeymoon and have a knee injury all in the same 2 week span.  
• Find someone bigger and stronger then me to keep me in line:  Check!  My former Personal Trainer from back in the day had just became part owners at a crossfit box and had been bugging me to get in and give it a try.  A free week of watching Chris in lime green spanx?  Why not?!?
• A support group:  Double Check!  I have you, (Thank you.).   I found out that a friend of mine was also doing this CrossFit thing at the same place where Chris trains/Coaches.  Lindsay was willing to work around my schedule to help me feel out my first few sessions.  This chick=Awesome.
• Meal Plan:  Check(ish).  Okay, okay... I am about 90% Paleo. Cleaning out the cabinets and learning to adjust to convenience foods as my schedule changes kinda put a damper on jumping in 100%, but I am getting there.  I did learn to make Coconut Milk and Coconut flour on a shoestring budget and I couldn't be more excited.

So here I am, 3 weeks in.  I am certainly smiling a lot.  I must be doing something right. 

I took the leap after my 1 week free trail and signed up to become a regular member.  So far, I have made it every day that I have intended to.  A lot of it is because I am enjoying the feel in the box, but also because of the results that I see already.  I have no clue anymore what I have gained or lost on the scale, I have seen a 10lb fluctuation as my body has settled in.  My pants are super tight now.  My fat pants are snug around the booty and it is quite ridiculous since my thighs are notably leaner and more solid.  lol.   One word... SQUATS!  I don't exactly hate it but I am not loving it either.  I would love to wear a pair of pants that actually fit one day.  Oh!!!  I am running.  Not fast.  Please don't assume that means that I enjoy it either.  I just AM running more regularly. That is a feat in itself.  My confidence level seems to be creeping back up also.  First of all, it is very rough on the ego to walk into your own old trainers gym and ask for help.    Secondly, starting off, I was a little unsure of where I fell with the group.  I got used to being the strong girl at my gym.  Not so much at this or any CrossFit box.  But the cool thing is, no one cares.  What seems to really matter is that I am motivated to get up, every day and do what I need to do. Yet again, proving that we all need to stay honest with ourselves. If we need to be pushed, find your motivation and use it.  I tell my own clients that.  I am not sure why it was so hard to hear myself.   Will this last?  I don't know yet.  Am I giving it 100% every day that I walk into the gym?  YES.  All I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the process.  I am learning to love this so called process again.  It has been a long time since I have seen these sorts of changes in myself.

You can't always get what you want.

Yesterday's tattoo appointment caused a bit of a ruckus.  I finished late with a client so I didn't get a chance to workout, rushed to the tattoo shop to find that irregardless of my appointment, he had 2 people he was going to "finish up" real quick, (start).  In my head, I knew that it was only going to put me further in debt to Zacky who decided to give up the football game to go with me.  We rescheduled for 9 which would presumably leave us enough time to head back to the gym for a workout.   Nope,  after further consideration, it was just shy of a reasonable time frame.  So,  we headed to Pat's Pizza where I attempted to smooth over the ruckus by eating where Zack and I could watch the Ravens game.  Ravens game and a pizza, how bad of a turn of events could it have been? Well, when Zack wants to workout... Zack wants to workout.  He has been doing so so well.  15lbs down in 2.5 week.  I can understand.  At 9pm, still there was someone ahead of me.  At 9:20, he was starting another tattoo that was not mine. Ugghh...   I am gonna give it one more try tonight at 7 but I am not going without a workout under my belt first.  Priorities! If I am gonna have tattoo on my ribs, I've gotta regain, and maintain the abs to go with it.  Otherwise instead of "Flag Nor Fail"  It might as well just read, "I failed". lol.

Until next time...

Okay, so last nights test did not go exactly as planned.

I left my house at 4:15 to get to the facility by 6:00.  Google said that it would take about 40 minutes so I assumed that I was going to be just fine.  I even brought nail polish to put on in the car while I waited since I was assuming I would be way early.  Early?  Not so much.  I was making great time until I hit 695.  There, traffic stopped.  The eternal optimist in me kept saying that some how it would work out.  I thought that one of my new fire buddies would sweep me up and turn on the sirens and make $hit happen.  Well, that was not the case.  At 5:50, I was still on 695 with another 3 miles to go and 8 at the following turn.  Pulling up, 20 minutes late, I thought going late was better then not going at all.  I don't often hear rejection.  I am sweet, friendly and have a nice smile.  Who wouldn't want to help me out?  Ms. Hutchensen, that's who. Because I was at the ocean, I had to book the very last testing slot they offered.  To my dissapointment there were no other slots to squeeze into and they were not offering makeup tests.  I didn't want to hear the words that were coming out of her mouth.  I kept thinking... "Yea, yea, get to the part where you tell me you will make an exception.".  She never got to that point.  Her parting words were, "Try again next year."  Then the flood gates opened.

I knew that I wanted this opportunity and my hope were as high as my fears.  I did not realize how confident I truly was. Which I think made it that much worse.  I was prepared to try like hell and fail.  I just was not prepared to not be granted the chance.  As I sat in my car waiting for Ms. Hutchensen to run out and tell me she was just kidding, I cried.  I looked to my right as the applicants finishing their test were walking to the CPAT orientation.  20 to 30  males looking fairly uncertain as they approached the test field.  I knew that if I was in that group, I would have my head up in the front of the line.  Instead, I sat in the parking ot with the other girlfriends, moms and wives.  I felt so out of place with these women.  My place was in that group.  I decided then, that there was where I belonged.  They say that you don't know what you have until its gone. Somehow that translates to this situation. Needless to say, it was a bittersweet feeling.

This morning, I put on my big girl panties and trucked on.  First things first.  I put myself on a job notice list for the surrounding fire departments.  This isn't over. 

Big News

Tonight... I take a test.  A big one! I have kinda kept it on the D.L. for a while because I do not want the process to interfere with with my current job/jobs.  (So, shhhhhh... I am trusting in you all.)

I'm about midway through the applying/hiring process for Howard County Department of Fire and Rescue Services.  I have 2 huge exams to pass.  I will be taking the written one tonight, and the  physical one in the near future.  I have had a bit of a head start with the training, but I am no where near ready. Yet.

This process is guaranteed to change the rest of my life. If I get it, the change is obvious.  If I don't, I will know what to do better for my next attempt.  I will still hold my head high knowing that I tried.  At 32 years old, after nearly 9 years of a desk job... I want bigger and better.   Just a few years ago at 258lbs., you could not have paid me to do this.  Now, I am doing it for free for fun and looking to make it my career.   People often ask me how I do what I do these days.  That's understandable, I have done more with my life in the last few years then some people have done in a lifetime.  Kelly has a quote that she often blurts out, "Whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.".  Ya know, not once in the last 2 years have I said that I couldn't do something.  If you want to know how it is that I have gotten from point A to point B, it's because of that.  Attitude is everything.   Of course, It may have turned out that I couldn't, but I tried.  *Ahhhmm  Box Jumps.*.  The ability to change and maintain is yours.  I know that I am really putting myself other there for this one, but why wouldn't I?

Opportunities are not given, they are taken.  What's the worst that could happen?

It's not the pounds that matter

I am reluctantly posting this photo because once it is online, it's there to stay.  I wanted to post it because I came across it in my personal progress folders.  This was me, last year at 180 pounds.  You know what I look like today.  I take photos all the time.  The point is, that's only 12 pounds more.  12 pounds, looks more like 12 inches.  Geesh.  If you still think that you need to base your progress by weight on the scale, you are still wrong :) .  

Too legit to quit.

If you ever saw this coming, then you know me better then I know myself.  Today, I walk into Anytime Fitness as the only CERTIFIED (not qualified) Personal Trainer.  Going through the process was a bit daunting.  I never questioned if I could do it.  I questioned if they thought I could do it.  It was not until I saw my name in black and white that it sunk in.  I did it.  I made it.  I will never stop learning, I will never stop trying to excel but as far as a legit trainer, I made it.  I remember blogging about wanting to do this but I am not sure that at the time, I believed that I would ever go through the process. Crazy!

Never in a million years

A year ago, if  you would have told me that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed.  I know that I keep saying that but I also keep suprising myself.  It's one thing when you don't know what to expect from other people.  It's a whole different thing when you realize that you don't even know what to expect from yourself.

Thursday night, I was in full Fire Fighting gear, the only female, the oldest in my class, standing on top of a fire truck folding a hose.  At one point, I stood up, looked around at the front of the station and looking at the town of Bel Air from the top of the truck.  Never in a million years did I ever expect to be standing in that place.   A year ago, the station was just a pretty land mark when giving directions.  Now, its work.  It's "The House".  It is where dreams are made and lives are saved.  I have no idea where this path will lead me.  I didn't know that my path was going in this direction to begin with.  I am starting to think that there are no more ends.  No more destinations, just rest stops and exits.  Standing on top of that truck, I knew right then and there that nothing is impossible.  I can and will do everything that I put my mind to.