Confidence in the truth

I know myself better now then I ever have.  This blog keeps me honest and accountable. It keeps me real, yet still I manage to hide things from even myself. I'm learning.  It's all a process.

As confident as I can be in some areas, a part of me "took what I could get", in the dating department.  My weight played a huge part in the relationships that I have been in and out of.  They say beauty is skin deep but the sad reality is that the other famous saying trumps that one.  You only get one chance to make a first impression.  Sure, I had the confidence to go up to anyone and flirt but how it was received was out of my hands.  I didn't always get the pick of the litter both physically and in regards to availability.  I settled and justified it.

Now that I am back out in the dating world, I forget that I don't have to settle. I have options now. I actually get hit on regularly.  Flattering... but every time, I walk away thinking, "Did that just happen or is that just my imagination?".  I am sooooo not used to that kind of attention at all.   Unfortunately, that doesn't exclude the crazies, married, deploying, self absorbed and the emotionally detached.  I've been on several sucky dates.  Most of which I knew were doomed by the first date.  It was the fat girl inside of me that accepted the date anyway.  That fat girl inside told me that I needed to give it a shot because my options are limited. It took countless hours in therapy recently to get of through my head that just because they like me, does not mean I have to try to like them. 

My therapist told me that I have to list my dating criteria and stick to it. 

Physical: My last relationship was after I had started losing weight and confidently allowed my personality to fill the gaps where I was physically insecure.  I can and did get the hottest guy in the room.  My physical confidence has only skyrocketed.  Okay... I got the physical selection part down.  Check!

Personality: That has never been an issue.  That has always been a priority in my criteria.  Personality, Check!

Intellect: Momma ain't raise no fool. check!

Availability:  W.T.F.?!?!  This is still where I am a train wreck. I am working on it and I think I am making some headway. This is like the last piece of the puzzle in my newfound love life, or lack there of. "Oh, you are not emotionally, physically or morally available? Please step this way, Lori will see you now." 

-Emotional unavailable is the hardest I think because you don't see it right away.  By the time emotions should start developing, you are already invested. Uhh.   After 2 years of you not being able to say, " I love you", I finally picked up on the fact that you were emotionally UNavailable?!?!

-Morally unavailable, that's a total sh!t storm.  For various reasons in the past, I was asked to keep my "relationship" a secret. That should have been my first clue that everything from that point forward was bullshit, but I was buying every story they were selling. It ALWAYS bites me in the ass.  The person or people we are keeping it secret from is never the one that gets hurt. It's ALWAYS me.  I'm over it.  I don't care if your my teacher, coach, friends ex husband, getting a divorce, not ready to share it with your family. Whatever! From now on, I'm pulling a Taylor Swift on your ass.  If you want to keep something a secret, keep it (all of it) to yourself and don't bother with me.

-Physically unavailable.  Most of the long term relationships I have had were with people I only saw once every month.  I think I am scared to let anyone in.  When I finally do, I push them away.  For some reason, distance or military relationships are far more comfortable then anyone close.  I actually had one good date once that I completely tanked because he wanted to see me again soon.  I thought...."Every day? Like more then 3 days a month?".  I was afraid that then they would see me for me. Could I keep that person happy is more then 3 days at a time?

Confidence in the truth...
I deserve better then a part time or half hearted partner.  I did then and only now do I have the strength and clarity to settle for no less then what I deserve.  The truth is that I have a lot of work to do learning who I have become.  I can only learn from my mistakes and stay true to what I want and not what I think I should settle for.