Tubby Time

Unless you have been over 170lbs., will probably not understand this post.  No matter how much empathize with us "bigger people", this one is flying right over your head.  Lucky you!

I am reflecting on an event that took place last week.  It is only now that I am able to get through the story without belly laughing or crying.

I took a bath and the water was the same depth from head to toe. 

Oh, see... this is where I just separated the big from the slender peeps.  You slender people are saying, "Yea, so? Isn't it always?".  However, most of you just dropped your jaw and said, "Girl, no you Di'int! Go head, Momma Mud!!!".  

For 13 years, I have only taken a bath a hand full of times.  The process is way too complicated and I only passed Physics with a "C".  For those of you still feeling out of the loop, let me give you the run-down.

1: Check and double check all necessities and make sure they are in arms reach.  Once you get in, you know you are not getting out.

2: Grab 3 towels.  Hair, body and blanket. (I'll get to that later.)

3: Clear the tub of all non essentials. Rubber ducks are your enemy. One slip and you may never find those badboys again.

4:  Find the biggest plastic cup that you have in the cabinet, because you might get sud's on your neck.  The water will never touch the front of your neck.  I know it, you know it. Your only going to kink it all up trying to fit your body, plus your head under water.

5: You fill the tub up with scalding hot water because your booty end of the tub always gets cold first. (This may need some explaining too.)

6: Curse yourself for turning the hot water on so high, because now you have to test the depth. You think that 3 inches of water looks like too little but sure enough, after the displacement, you are saying a silent prayer as you lower your self down.

7: Ahh, you have made it to the most relaxing 4 minutes and 30 seconds of your bath. 

8:  *4 minutes 31 seconds* Your neck is stiff, your boobs are cold, your knees are still dry as a bone, your feet are numb and cold from being up on the wall. (How else were you expected to fit in the tub?), there is a pool of water in your belly button but the rest of your tummy is dry. (That always confuses me.), the small of your back has not seen the light of day and the kicker....ohhh the kicker...all of the water has mysteriously gathered from your hips forward.  There is only about a quarter inch of water behind your ass.

9: You recall high school geometry and try to find an angle to lay the rag so that it covers your nips.

10: You realize that it's not a  geometry issue, it's a physics issue.  As soon as you laid flat, your boobs flopped over 2 feet apart. You then reach for the (blanket) towel.

11: You try to get your butt warm with what's left it the hot water.  With all of your might, you unsuction your back from the wall of the tub, brace yourself and lift. WOOOSHHHH..... the levey has been broken. The cold water splashes some how all the way up and around and gets you right in the face.

12:  You say, "F@$k this, I'm getting a shower!"

Pause and regain your composure.

See how that played out?  Now do you get it? It's funny to read but is an unfortunate truth. I had completely forgotten how relaxing and delightful a bath could be.  Don't get me wrong, I still has some of those issues.  Some, but not all.

The water was the same depth from head to toe. That shouldn't be a victory. I wish I knew what I know now.

*shaking my head*.