Shower time

If you have been following the blog, you will remember that I made a post called  Tubby time.  The post was all about how much of an excruciating procedure simply getting a bath could be if you were over weight.  It was pretty funny but unfortunately, no joke. This morning in the shower, I discovered that I had some new experiences that would make perfect material for a "Part 2".

I am just going to go out on a limb and call myself a "body builder".  By definition, I suppose that I am, but as far as a competition division, ehhh... not so much.  Anyway, that is besides the point.  As a "body builder", as expected, my body has changed.  We are no longer talking about leaning out and making my old body smaller, we are talking about tweaking select parts and changing its shape.  I was always under the understanding that you get what you are given.  Your shape is your shape.  Well, that is not at all true.  Your body is very moldable if you put in the effort.  Building a wider back and wide shoulders, I am offsetting the proportions of my body.  Making my butt a little less, "BAM!!".  By building triceps, I am filling in the fly-away arm area.  So on and so forth.  I am single handedly molding certain parts into a shape that I like.

So here we go...

-My alarm goes off in the morning, I roll out of bed being careful not to strain a muscle.  Last week, I pulled the covers over and pulled a tricep muscle of some sort.  You guessed it, the morning after Chest and Tri day. 

-I shuffle to the the shower passing the vanity where I habitually flex my biceps and check the progress of my abs.  (Don't you dare even judge me, you know that you do the same thing.).  In the morning is the best time of day, I'm all dried out from the 8 hours without water and everything is in its rightful place. 

-As I climb in the shower, I do a quick reflection of the workout two nights before.  Will I be able to lift my leg over the tub today? Without using my arms to hoist them over the edge? The day after leg day isn't such a big deal, its always the second day that kills ya. 

-In the shower, the hot water feels fantastic.  After a good 8 minutes of just letting the water run over me, my muscles now have the elasticity for me to bend over and pick up the rag at the bottom of the tub.  Of course its not hung up, I did an upper body workout of some kind the day before.  There was no way I was lifting my arms above my head twice.  Washing my hair was challenging enough.  I'll toss the rag, if it catches, great.  If not, screw it.
 
-Let's just get the hellish part over with as soon as possible.  Washing my hair is an effort most days.  There is no lather, rinse, and repeat.  Repeat-ha!  I've even gone as far as buying a two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.  Fingers crossed I don't get any soap in my eyes.  If I did back the night before, reaching for the dry towel across the bathroom from the tub is going to hurt like hell.

-While the two-in-one rinses from my hair, its time to shave my legs.  I plop my leg up on the ledge and am instantly distracted by my quads and hammys.  I cross them off of my mental check list of things coming along pretty darn well.  Then I put my leg back down to check out the difference between up and down, flexed and relaxed, turned and facing forward.  The list goes on.  Honestly, it's almost pathetic.  Oh, I am not done yet, I have to give my calves the attention they deserve.  I plop my foot back up on the ledge and start the process all over again.  T.M.I. Alert- the inner thighs these days have tendons.  Be very, very careful.  They used to just be chub but now it's a bit of an obstacle course. Thank goodness I have lost weight, here I am 12 minutes into shaving my legs and have not picked up the razor.  At least there is significantly less surface area to shave.

-So I have lost surface area on my legs but gained some on my back.  It was bad enough to reach around to wash my middle upper back before, now with my new found lats, its damn near impossible. I've figured it out, but every single day, I do the same thing. I keep trying the whole, "reach across and under my arm", method to wash my back.  Really, when will I learn?  I even still try it again with the other hand.   Alas, up and over the shoulder & behind and up the middle of my back are my only options.   If I do the behind and up method, we might as well add another minute to the process.  I love my Longissmus Thoracis and my Serratus Posterior.  (Look who has been studying her Personal Training manual.).  My spine is about an inch below my left and right side of my back.  Kinda cool. 

-Belly.  This is a given.  You gotta know that even though I checked out my abs before I got in the shower, I have to double check to see if they have changed in the last 20 minutes.  Sad.  Just sad.

-Last bit of shaving left is my under arms.  Back in the day, 20 seconds and I was done.  Lather them up, one stroke up, one stroke down and done. Haha.  Oh how I miss those days.  Recently, I have found that shaving my armpits might be the most challenging part of this whole process.  No matter which direction I shave, how many times I try, there is that one spot that taunts me. There is a black hole within the crevisis of my armpits between the muscles.  Where the hell did that come from.  I need to do some research on this particular issue.

-Nearly done.  All that I really have left is to wash my chest and my chest.  Yes, both.  Not both boobs, both sets of my chest.  Every day, I am amazed that my chest has changed so much.  I think that it is the single body part with the most significant difference from when I started.  As I am feeling myself up in the very least sexual way, my opinions of the new parts go from one extreme to the next.  Proud, disgusted, annoyed, excited, surprised, worried but I settle on... awesome.  My plump (but saggy), double d's are a thing of the past.  No matter how hard I squish and squeeze, where there used to be some fantastic cleavage is a gaping two inch wide valley.  The separation in my pecs keep my boobies from even being in the same zip code.   Naked, its not the sexiest thing to look at but in bra and shirt, my boobage stretches from one hairy armpit to the other.  Not a bad set up at all.   So, back the the concepts of two sets of chest.  I have my pecs and my boobage, two separate entities.  After chest day, I look like Mathew MacConauhay with those chicken cutlet bra inserts super glued to his chest. Again, naked... ehhh.  In a bra, a pushup bra... Whoa baby!  A pushup bra pushes those babies up on top of the pecs and viola!

-And..... Done!  Finally.  It only took me 40 minutes.  No wonder I am late for work every day.  I get out of the shower and reach for the lotion.  I have to keep this skin moist and smelling fresh.  Three pumps of lotion usually does the trick but I don't put it on quite yet.  I head to the medicine cabinet to add a heafty dollop of Aspercream into the lotion.  This concoction has been a life saver.  Try it.